A Heart with Ears
What if your presence mattered more than your words?
I’m an incredibly privileged person. Week after week, people share their stories with me — full of wisdom I wish I’d had when I was walking through my own storms, or trying to support someone through theirs.
One simple piece of advice I heard recently from my latest guest, Ashley Mielke, has stayed with me. It wasn’t clever or complicated — just deeply true. And I think it might change the way we show up for the people we love.
Power of Listening: What It Means to Be a Heart with Ears
One of the things Ashley said when I asked what advice she’d give to someone trying to support a friend or family member in crisis was this: we need to be a heart with ears. I wrote it down as soon as she said it. It resonated deeply with me. It took me back to moments when I sat with people who had a heart with a mouth — but not necessarily ears. I don’t say that unkindly. I’ve done it too. I’ve fumbled through trying to comfort someone in pain. I’ve defaulted to filling the silence with words that didn’t help, not because I didn’t care — but because I didn’t know what else to do.
I remember one moment in particular when I tried to comfort a friend who had just lost someone. I showed up with good intentions, but within minutes I was talking — offering Bible verses, trying to explain the unexplainable. I could see in their eyes that it wasn’t helping. They didn’t need wisdom. They needed silence, presence, and someone who could hold space. I wish I’d understood then what I do now.
When Ashley said that phrase, it felt like something everyone needed to hear. This is the key to being there for someone. If you're a parent, a teacher, or someone walking with others through grief — this idea of being a 'heart with ears' might just be the most important posture you can hold.
The first part — having a heart — is rarely the problem. Most people show up with love and compassion in spades. They care deeply and want to bring comfort. It’s the second part that makes all the difference: coming with a posture of listening rather than advice.
“Sometimes the most important thing you can do is just show up.” – Brené Brown
How to Show Up Without Needing to Fix Anything
This has been one of the most consistent themes across my podcast conversations. Whether someone is going through a marriage breakdown, a critical illness, a child’s mental health crisis, or any number of other overwhelming situations, the message is the same: show up. Walk through their door. Be present. BUT — and this is crucial — when you do, please come with ears, not just words.
Let the person sit and cry. Let them rage at God or the world. Let them ask questions, express their pain, their confusion, their hurt. And just sit — even if the silence is awkward.
They may ask your opinion or seek your advice, but even then, temper your words with the knowledge that you probably won’t know exactly what they need. You can’t fix it. You can’t make the grief shallower or the nights easier. You can’t force forgiveness or peace. But you can be there. Ashley’s right — and my own experience echoes it. I wanted all kinds of things from people — answers, relief, clarity. But in the end, what meant most was when they just sat with me and allowed me to feel whatever I needed to in that moment.
“Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you. Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.” – Unknown
Why Well-Meaning Advice Often Misses the Mark
Ashley put it so well in our conversation:
“Most people in our lives are well-meaning. They're well-intentioned. They really don't want to see you stuck in suffering. And so they say these intellectual things that are not emotionally helpful.
So we want to first take a step back and have generosity for our friends and family — to say, they don’t have an education on grief, they’re just trying to help.”
That really stuck with me. It gave me language for something I’ve often felt but couldn’t quite name — the ache of being offered advice when what I needed was presence. And it reminded me of something ancient and deeply human, which shows up again and again in Scripture.
What the Bible Says About Listening and Presence
In the Bible, James writes, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” (James 1:19)
I wonder if he wrote that from his own lived experience — surrounded by people who cared, but who rushed in with answers instead of empathy. Maybe this verse is less instruction and more invitation: Please, just come and sit and listen.
Paul echoes something similar in Romans 12:15:
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
And Paul wasn’t writing from theory — he’d lived it. He knew suffering. He knew what it was to be in pain and what it meant to have someone truly with you in it.
My experience in the dark, Ashley’s in her storm, the stories of so many guests I’ve sat with — and the words of James and Paul — all testify to the same thing:
If you find us in pain, please, please don’t leave us alone. Don’t rush in with answers. Come and sit. Be present. Be a heart with ears. That will mean more than anything you can say or do.
🎧 Listen In
Ashley’s story goes even deeper in our conversation. Part 1 is available now, and Part 2 — where she unpacks what it means to be a “heart with ears” — is coming soon.
Questions to Reflect on.
What’s my natural response when someone I love is hurting — do I lean into silence and presence, or do I reach for something to say? What might that reveal about how I handle discomfort?
If I approached someone’s pain this week with a ‘heart with ears,’ what would that actually look like — and how might it reshape the way I show love or support?
From Reflection to Action:
(These are just suggestions – maybe choose 1 or 2 to try)
Pause before speaking. Next time you're with someone who's hurting, resist the urge to fix or respond. Let silence do some of the heavy lifting.
Practise presence. Try spending 15 minutes with a friend or family member without offering any advice — just listening. Reflect on how that felt for you and consider asking them later how it felt for them.
Create a ‘comfort inventory’. Think back to moments of deep pain in your own life. What helped? What didn’t? Let that shape how you show up for others.
Write a reminder phrase. Jot down “Be a heart with ears” somewhere visible this week — on your mirror, phone lock screen, or journal. Let it guide the way you turn up for others.
Support in layers. Being present doesn’t end after one conversation. Set a recurring reminder to check in — presence is often felt over time, not in a single moment.
Lead with empathy in tough conversations. Whether it’s with a colleague, spouse, or friend, begin with curiosity: “How are you holding up?” before offering input.
💡 Tune into Encouraging Podcasts – Listen to real stories of resilience and overcoming fear through the Resilient Souls podcast
Note for parents and teachers: This principle is especially true with children and teens. When they’re overwhelmed or hurting, they don’t need a lecture — they need a safe adult who will listen without trying to fix. Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is sit on the edge of their bed, say nothing, and just be there.
Bible verses for when listening is the most loving thing we can do
James 1:19 (NIV): “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
Romans 12:15 (NLT): “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.”
Galatians 6:2 (ESV): “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
Job 2:13 (CSB): “Then they sat on the ground with him seven days and nights, but no one spoke a word to him because they saw that his suffering was very intense.”
Proverbs 17:17 (MSG): “Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble.”
Isaiah 50:4 (NRSV): “The Lord God has given me the tongue of a teacher, that I may know how to sustain the weary with a word.” NB: There are times when we’ll be asked for advice — when that happens, pause and pray for words that will sustain the weary.